My Promise to Britain

As a Brit
I promise not to be a drain on the economy
I’ll adapt my gastronomy to fit your philosophy
Of vinegar, Mr Lineker
I know that you’re a finisher
I know about your 48 goals in an England shirt

As a Brit
I promise not to damage the ecology
I’ll ask sport trivia and insist on chronology
Cause I’m afraid
That’s the only way to do it
Bobby Charlton scored 49 before you even played for Leicester

English mustard
I’ll have it on my sausages
I’ll watch Geordie Shore and I’ll wonder what their problem is
They’re not witty
But that’s a nitty gritty life
If you play at left-back you better not have a wife
Cause they’ll get her
Central defenders going on a bender
With even less tact than other serial offenders

As a Brit
I’ll never leave my phone unlocked
And call your home without knowledge
Of your voice going off in my pocket
I’ll watch the racing not the racists on Top Gear
What’s for tea? Pig’s trotters? Pig’s blood? Or a pig’s ear?

As a Brit
I swear that I’ll learn about cricket
I’ll forgive you for referring to a home plate as a wicket
And when I play hockey
I’ll just play it on the floor
I’ll only use his full name: it’s Sir Roger Moore

At least until he’s a lord
Nominated aristocracy
Anachronistic democracy, but it’s not a true hypocrisy
Unless you pretend that you don’t do it
There are no lies here
That’s the whole idea; you can’t change it because it’s too clear
But man, I love not having Fox
I prefer real knowledge
Made special by Brian Cox

As a Brit
I swear I’ll drink Carling on my holiday
I thought about the salad, but I got the chips anyway
And any day now
I promise to quit smoking
Cause pretty soon there’s gonna be a tax on choking

But now that I’m a Brit
There’s gonna have to be some changes
Learn to see me as a brother ‘stead of two distant strangers
And I hope that you forgive me
If my Britishness is sloppy
But I’m not here to sing an anthem that belittles my autonomy

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