The Potato Precipice

Dear KFC,
I am not a spent theme, like the crime scene on TV
I am a long-time consumer, but a first-time consumer rights advocate
I am speaking here today on behalf of both my friends and enemies
To ask you to make some slight revisions to your alchemy

The problem as I see it
Is that your chips
Are consistently shit
I’m not here to talk about your chicken
It could be finger lickin’ or bird flu stricken
I don’t have time to dispute decisions made by your poultry division
Primarily, it is your fries that I despise
They make my mouth feel like it has been baptised with cyanide
My eyes cry tears I cannot hide
Whenever I bring them inside
No pet or house plant left alive
I smell their scent
I want to repent for all my sins
Because I know my time in this world is limited

A synthesis of organic matter and chicken batter
It’s raining; the river will be running high
Drowning may not spare my pride
But I am ultimately more concerned for my large intestine
Still, I pray for the victims of their poor shape and old skins
The coldness found within
Is like spelunking in northern Finland
Shrivelling your lower half till you fly at half-mast like after an ice bath

Now, I rarely add salt to my food
I don’t see salinity as that much of an issue in gastronomy
But when these carbohydrates appear
Devoid of flavour on my plate
I have no choice but to sacrifice a kidney for my taste buds’ sake

Unlike Ian Wright
I don’t feel like chicken tonight
Why do you settle for mediocrity?
To say their flavour isn’t poor
Is to have illusions of grandeur
An earthworm has more girth than your chips
They squirm in my mouth like the tail of a mouse
They have the same half-life
As the soil at the scene of a depleted uranium gun fight

This demand does not lack reason
Your chips are so devoid of season
That failure to act on your behalf would amount to treason
But in the light of these criticisms
Our schisms will become anachronisms
We have kept silent for too long
Let’s put aside our differences
And drag you back from the potato precipice

Photo by Slowship Enterprise

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